My relationship with pain

Pain is an interesting sensation. Pain can bring out a number of reactions; Shock, Fear, Frustration, Pleasure, Anger......    Whatever the reaction, they are instant and intense.

Over the centuries, pain has been used as a training tool. From a slave master whipping their slaves, to a toddler who sticks their finger in the hot water tap of a water dispenser, to a parent who smacks their child, to a person's first heart break.  The age old logic is 'if it hurts, learn from it and don't do it again'. 

So what's my relationship with pain? It's like any relationship you have with a wild animal. You can tame it, or in my case it tames you, but drop your guard or not play by the rules, it will cause all manner of damage. 

Pain is a wonderful training tool. I've been trained to get things done and avoid procrastination (sometimes though it is hard to do.....go figure, I'm human!). I've learned to be determined, work through the pain...... Take no prisoners. I'm fiercely logical, so my problem solving skills are off the chain.  All these acquired skills...... Sometimes it's hard to decipher  whether they have been taught to me or they are part of my personality. 

All these skills helped me get where I am today. I have a PhD........ In computer systems engineering (I won't lie, that shit was difficult). The thing about a doctorate is this, it has fuck all to do with how 'intelligent' you are. It's all about whether you have the balls to start and better yet, whether you can achieve the goals you set. It's not for everyone and to be frank if I was given a chance to do it again I not sure I would do it again.

Growing up I went to a catholic summer school (call it a symptom of very easy-going parents, cos we ain't catholic).  When the proprietor found out I was a sickler, she took me aside and counselled me on how the pain could be put as an offering to Jesus, because he did the same when he died for our sins.  I think she thought it would be an avenue to help me deal.  Here's the thing about drawing on metaphors, if you don't make them exact you run the risk of making yourself sound like you're selling pointless insurance especially when you haven't a clue who you're trying to sell it to.  When you think about pain, you think about the light at the end of the tunnel, when you get to the other side, when it stops hurting...... that does not happen with Sickle Cell.  Sure the pain stops after a crisis, but there is no telling when the Grinch will come back.  No one tells you how to deal with that uncertainty, no one tells you sometimes no matter how much you play by the rules "shit just happens".  But hey "That's life".........DEAL.

I know I'm not painting a pretty picture, and frankly my intent is not to, but these are the thoughts that can go through a Sicklers head from time to time.  I would have loads of sessions with my psychologist friend (I miss her loads!!) where I would just off load and she would help me see that even if I couldn't see the end of the tunnel there were those things that offset the bad - Family, Friends, Love, my achievements despite my shortcomings, and the hope that as I moved through the different phases in my life - MY Definition would have less and less of the Grinch forefront.

For my learned friends I'm sure they are chomping at the bit to say these thoughts and feelings are that dreaded word........... Depression.  Now most sicklers I know like to think that they only have to deal with the sickle cell - I'm one of those people but there are side effects to the disease that do affect our quality of life.  A year ago my GP in the UK made me fill a questionnaire and she told me that I was moderately depressed.   I totally ignored her but given these last couple of months I'm now inclined to take her a little more seriously.  I'm currently trying doing my research and I will have a post talking about Sickle Cell and Depression but in the meantime know that you (my fellow sicklers) are not going crazy and you are not alone...........

Toodles!!

Finding that balance

This last month has been absolute hell.

From time to time the Grinch - sidebar, for the purposes of this post I am calling Sickle cell "the Grinch" because right now those are my feelings towards it - likes to remind me who's boss.

In 2009 I achieved my record number of hospital visits within 1 week.  My record is five, yes 5 times. Though one of those visits involved a hilarious episode (though I didn't think it at the time) where I had an allergic reaction to the seafood medley my long suffering twin sister cooked me.  I woke up at 4am with my face itching to high hell, and my lips felt like I had kissed the wrong end of a bubble bee.  I will never forget my irritation at the A&E receptionist when she unwittingly asked, in her cockney accent, "So why are you here today?".  My reaction was shove my face closer to the glass divider, point my finger towards my face and say "Can't you tell??".  Till this day I'm convinced that that allergic reaction due to the combination of the drugs and the seafood.

Besides that episode, that week was hell, no matter what I did, I kept on having to go back.....screaming for the drugs and being thankful that the episode was over so I could continue with my life.  Apart from the physical exhaustion, that shit does a number on your psychi.  At the time I didn't have the pressure of a full-time job.  I was writing my thesis, so my schedule was flexible and taking time-outs were okay.  So in between hospital sessions I would sit down and think about my existence.  Given the circumstances self pity usually creeps in.  Was this all I had to look forward to?  Why me?  What the fuck...... why is this happening again.....what did I do differently?

So now we come back to August 2013.  I've moved back to Nigeria, on my hustle, working full-time job at a bank (what was I thinking?!!!), single, and co-existing with the Grinch.  Work has been challenging (I may complain about it, but I love the challenge) with long working days (round about 12 hr days), and being single I do enjoy an active social life.  The Grinch don't like that.  See, the Grinch is a very jealous lover, so when you don't pay attention to him, he tends to kick back.  This time, the Grinch kicked back with a vengeance. 

For the last 4 weekends there has been an episode of varying proportions, the climax of which culminated in me maxing out on all my pain meds and learning that paracetamol....... yes paracetamol also comes in injection form.  One thing I will say, works a treat but its fucking painful when it goes in.  Even though its been more than a week since the last incident my arse feels like a pincushion - which does make sitting down on hard surfaces for long periods quite painful.  Obviously I'm not getting the balance right, but who does? 

In 2009, I had the time to contemplate and wallow in self pity. Today I realize that self pity gets you nowhere and there isn't the fucking time. There will always be someone more worse off than you and it's a dog eat dog out there. 

Here is my dilemma, and I'm sure many of you corporate buffs can relate, how do you find that balance?  No one is perfect and in the cut-throat corporate world your worth is only as good as your productivity. So if you are not upto scratch you get spit as fast as u can say "what the f....". So the objective is to keep pushing to meet your deliverables. Problem is, if you push too hard the Grinch will have something to say about it. And if you over-compensate by letting other aspects of your life slip you wake up at 60, alone with a load of cats to keep you company....... And I hate cats. 

So what's the answer? Damned if I know. All I know is I want to live my life to the fullest, and be financially independent. That's a hard thing to do for a normal person let alone dealing with the Grinch and no disability discrimination laws to protect you........ Remember this is Nigeria. 

So my question is this? How do you find that balance?  Can you have everything or does it always come down to a choice?  If you have the answers let me know...........

Toodles!