You are not alone

About a week ago I went on a short trip (Thank God) to IceBox country - my description of Winter, doesn’t matter where it is but if the temperature is lower than my age in ^oF we will have problems.  Couldn’t get out of the trip, believe me I tried but it had to be done.  Even though I lived in IceBox country for over 20 years, since moving to Warm Country - hee hee see what I did there - there are somethings I don’t miss.  Case in point, the constant pain - for those that read my blog - the Creeper kind.  So I was in a funk - frustrated, annoyed at my body and a little depressed.  So I posted this on Instagram as a pick-me-up.

To my surprise (sometimes you do forget that people do see what you put up on social media) I received this email.

..salutations Toyin (yes that is my Christian name),

I write from those terribly weird backstreets of the web where kinship is feigned behind anonymous computer screens via silly pseudonyms...<~ swear down I do not know what TF I just blabbered. Trying to sound smart when corresponding with smart types always gets me in a serious twist...sow

'erm I'll try again.. Hello Toyin, my name's MrAnonymous (not terribly important) but I am a closet sufferer who gets amazing support from the musings on your blogs, insta et.al <~ this is even sounding worse...mans coming off like a stalker n'dat. 

....<deep breath> Greetings Toyin, my name's MrAnonymous and I am big fan of your blog and hate to hear you are poorly. I have read your blog through really shitty times and it has always been really helpful. Sadly, my poor level of articulation and the void where grown-up vocabulary should reside in my brain have formed such a bond...nought but crap spews out of my mind's gob when I try to write. Thusly (not a word), I can not offer you a smart blog post as a trade for all the times you have unwittingly seen me through my dark moments..... <~ barf, I wear my trousers too low to come across so bladdy sof'

Arrrrrrrgh!...(last go)...Hello Toyin, I also tread these zany streets with a proper shite circulatory system. You have been pivotal in helping me come to terms with a lot..and truss mi, I am a grown 34 year old man. Sometimes read when you are poorly and just say a little prayer in me head...deciding to brave it today to actually let you know you've got a few knuckle-heads like us outchea actually wishing you better. <~sob stories irk me and I doubt you aren't fanatical of them either

(I give up) Toyin, desperately hope you do get better soon :)

This was a sharp reminder that other people do care.  Its easy to go to those dark places where you feel that no one else understands and that you are the only one in the universe who understands you.  Now in no means am I taking for granted friends and family that are there to see you through the dark times, but sometimes it takes someone you don't know to make you realise that you aren't the only one.  The world is not that cruel.

There are times when one can feel that God has a funky sense of humor and he that doesn't care, but its simply not the truth.  He NEVER gives you anything you can't handle, if he did then you would be dead.  So even when times are tough there is always someone who will be there to help you carry that load.  From a personal viewpoint I've found that no matter how much you push people away - and I won't lie I have been know to do that - much to the irritation of certain loved ones, yes you know I'm talking to you - someone will always be there to lift you out of that funk.......... if you let them.

So Thank You MrAnonymous for your email and giving me permission to post your email - obviously I have hidden his identity.

P.S. if you have been inspired to contribute to this blog regarding Sickle Cell - its effect on you, or your friends and family.  Please send your entries to foxycleo@gmail.com.  You never know who your words could inspire or help.


And on that note...... Toodles!!   

My relationship with pain

Pain is an interesting sensation. Pain can bring out a number of reactions; Shock, Fear, Frustration, Pleasure, Anger......    Whatever the reaction, they are instant and intense.

Over the centuries, pain has been used as a training tool. From a slave master whipping their slaves, to a toddler who sticks their finger in the hot water tap of a water dispenser, to a parent who smacks their child, to a person's first heart break.  The age old logic is 'if it hurts, learn from it and don't do it again'. 

So what's my relationship with pain? It's like any relationship you have with a wild animal. You can tame it, or in my case it tames you, but drop your guard or not play by the rules, it will cause all manner of damage. 

Pain is a wonderful training tool. I've been trained to get things done and avoid procrastination (sometimes though it is hard to do.....go figure, I'm human!). I've learned to be determined, work through the pain...... Take no prisoners. I'm fiercely logical, so my problem solving skills are off the chain.  All these acquired skills...... Sometimes it's hard to decipher  whether they have been taught to me or they are part of my personality. 

All these skills helped me get where I am today. I have a PhD........ In computer systems engineering (I won't lie, that shit was difficult). The thing about a doctorate is this, it has fuck all to do with how 'intelligent' you are. It's all about whether you have the balls to start and better yet, whether you can achieve the goals you set. It's not for everyone and to be frank if I was given a chance to do it again I not sure I would do it again.

Growing up I went to a catholic summer school (call it a symptom of very easy-going parents, cos we ain't catholic).  When the proprietor found out I was a sickler, she took me aside and counselled me on how the pain could be put as an offering to Jesus, because he did the same when he died for our sins.  I think she thought it would be an avenue to help me deal.  Here's the thing about drawing on metaphors, if you don't make them exact you run the risk of making yourself sound like you're selling pointless insurance especially when you haven't a clue who you're trying to sell it to.  When you think about pain, you think about the light at the end of the tunnel, when you get to the other side, when it stops hurting...... that does not happen with Sickle Cell.  Sure the pain stops after a crisis, but there is no telling when the Grinch will come back.  No one tells you how to deal with that uncertainty, no one tells you sometimes no matter how much you play by the rules "shit just happens".  But hey "That's life".........DEAL.

I know I'm not painting a pretty picture, and frankly my intent is not to, but these are the thoughts that can go through a Sicklers head from time to time.  I would have loads of sessions with my psychologist friend (I miss her loads!!) where I would just off load and she would help me see that even if I couldn't see the end of the tunnel there were those things that offset the bad - Family, Friends, Love, my achievements despite my shortcomings, and the hope that as I moved through the different phases in my life - MY Definition would have less and less of the Grinch forefront.

For my learned friends I'm sure they are chomping at the bit to say these thoughts and feelings are that dreaded word........... Depression.  Now most sicklers I know like to think that they only have to deal with the sickle cell - I'm one of those people but there are side effects to the disease that do affect our quality of life.  A year ago my GP in the UK made me fill a questionnaire and she told me that I was moderately depressed.   I totally ignored her but given these last couple of months I'm now inclined to take her a little more seriously.  I'm currently trying doing my research and I will have a post talking about Sickle Cell and Depression but in the meantime know that you (my fellow sicklers) are not going crazy and you are not alone...........

Toodles!!